Here's A List!

[zoofence]

Here's an interesting item I came across this morning at the Wall Street Journal website.

It's called “The 10 Elements of Care”, and is about the things which, besides money, parents should leave their children. As I read it, this list applies in one way or another to all of us, whether parents or not.

THE 10 ELEMENTS OF CARE by Peter White

1. Necessaries — food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, basic education.

2. Affection — This involves “the great big person who takes care of me opening him or herself to me, making him or herself vulnerable and human in a way, connecting with me physically and in spirit, and thus affirms my significance as a person.”

3. Affirmation and Support — This is basically about expressing sincere belief in the child: “You want to be a cheerleader – or a doctor or an astronaut – and you can do it!”

4. Boundaries — Peter says that “we are living in an age where the lack of boundaries for children is epidemic. Boundaries, of course, reflect a closing value – that certain, reasonably well-defined behaviors are unacceptable, and that when these behaviors occur, unpleasant consequences will result.”

5. Guidance — “Telling and showing children how to cope, how to deal, how to create, how to succeed. Guidance involves how-to techniques such as how to do the dishes or drive a car but at essence guidance is about beliefs — belief in the sense of action motivated and circumscribed by values held by the parents. In the wealth context, guidance on budgeting is essential, and guidance on philanthropy, which may come from participating in family philanthropy together as a group, are good examples. Parents of wealthy kids are worried about passing their values to their children, but they needn’t worry about that if they are present to them, in quality and non-quality times.”

6. Respect — “This is really about listening. It is respectful to listen seriously to what the other person is saying seriously and to empathize with what the other is feeling genuinely.”

7. Trust — This means “relying on the other to act responsibly,” and to allow someone the opportunity to do the wrong thing.

8. Forgiveness — This is not about the glib “I forgive you.” “Forgiveness does not erase the hurt; by definition, it feels the hurt but decides to carry on the relationship despite the hurt.”

9. Religion or Spirituality — “My experience over the last 20 years tells me that children raised in an environment of religion tend to be more in touch with themselves than those who are not. When I use the word religion, I am not referring only to the organized religions — though I am not excluding them either — but I am speaking about an aspiration to higher and enduring truth.”

10. Letting Go — This is the most difficult and along with Necessaries and Affection, the most important. We must say to our kids, ‘I’ve done the lion’s share of the motherly or fatherly work, and I’m here and will be here for you as long as I can be; but the responsibility for you is now yours.’ ” So many parents don’t like what they see when their kids turn 21 and now they’ve got time to fix it; but, generally speaking, they shouldn’t fix it. This is love: resisting the temptation to take care of people who should be taking care of themselves.

[jenjulian]

This is a good list. I had heard a phrase a while back that struck me very true, and that is spiritual neglect. I had never thought of it before, but we can spiritually neglect our kids, just like physical or emotional neglect. This would be an interesting subject to explore...

[W4TVQ]

Here's another similar list I got in e-mail. We need to do what Peg and I failed to do withour own kid; tell them that things out there in the real world aren't all roses and lollipops.

14 THINGS YOU BETTER KNOW, KID

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.