Hello all (seekers and the enlightened alike) I'm sure, like many people, I have been visiting The Zoo Fence for many months and enjoy the inclusivity provided here for all faiths. I find the topics and comment uplifting and refreshing.
I am a seeker and have been "seeking" on and off for a few years. I say on & off because I've got four kids 5 and under.
I was wondering if anyone can provide any insights, knowledge, stories or experiences into balancing family life with the spiritual life. Or ideally how to integrate one with the other?
Best Wishes to you all
Mick
Balance
Hello, Mick. Welcome to TZF’s Open Forum. Thank you for writing that you find the stuff here “uplifting and refreshing”. I am sure that all of Open Forum’s users will agree that a round of applause now and again is nice to hear.
You asked, “if anyone can provide any insights, knowledge, stories or experiences into balancing family life with the spiritual life. Or ideally how to integrate one with the other?”
As you undoubtedly suspect, you are not the first to ask that question! Judging from my own experience, and from what others have shared of their experience, I would guess that, in one way or another, every seeker since time began has struggled with having to merge one’s life as a member of a family or other intimate group with one’s life as a seeker.
Thus, there are probably as many right answers to your inquiry as there are, as there have been, seekers. I hope that other members of Open Forum will share their own experiences with you. But for now, the following is what I suggest based on my experience.
In a word, make your family life your path. If you can do so, the conflict disappears. Your family life and your spiritual life become one and the same.
Easier said than done? Yes, of course. But then, what isn’t?
1) I suggest that you execute, on a sheet of paper, a formal agreement between you and God (or whatever term works for you). In a brief paragraph, explain your problem; to wit, that you are at once a determined seeker and a dedicated husband and father. Briefly (in one or two sentences), explain that these two roles or functions seem to you to be in conflict, and that the resolution of that conflict is the purpose of this agreement (no, make that Purpose of this Agreement).
2) Then, in a second short paragraph indicate what you expect from God (or whatever term); to wit, to permit you to pursue your spiritual commitment within the context of your family life, and to assist you and to guide you in that pursuit. That is, you expect God to develop a spiritual path for you that consists of your family life, and to make that path apparent to you. Thus, your spiritual practices will be what you are already doing as a husband and father, but their purpose will have been expanded and redefined to include not only the ordinary familial functions but also all your heretofore spiritual exercises and practices.
3) In a third brief paragraph (again, no more than a couple of sentences), specify what is expected of you by this Agreement; to wit, that you will dedicate yourself to your newly defined spiritual path with enthusiasm, discipline, joy, humility, consistency, and every expectation of success. You will continue to perform your functions as husband and father, but now it will be in the certain and happy confidence that, in doing so, you are fulfilling not only your familial duties and responsibilities, but also all of your spiritual duties and responsibilities. That is, you will do your part just as you expect God to do His (Hers).
4) Sign the document, and keep it in a secure place, just as you would any other important document. Be careful whom you share its contents with. This is an agreement between you and God. It is personal and private, not for public consumption, at least not for some long while. And then do your part.
This agreement should be short and simple. A single page, just a few paragraphs, no more than a dozen sentences. What matters here is not the content (you are not trying to impress God – or yourself – by your writing skills). What matters is (1) the fact that you are doing it and (2) the earnestness with which you do it.
If you undertake this process with sincerity, seriousness, and a genuine sense of purpose, even as if you were writing and executing a contract between multinational corporations or a treaty between nations, it will be real, God will respond, and it will work.
Here, I speak from personal experience. A very long time ago, Anna and I executed a similar contract with God, and it works.
You may find helpful some parts of our article on marriage as a path at TZF's Consider This and our definition of the word seeker.
You asked, “if anyone can provide any insights, knowledge, stories or experiences into balancing family life with the spiritual life. Or ideally how to integrate one with the other?”
As you undoubtedly suspect, you are not the first to ask that question! Judging from my own experience, and from what others have shared of their experience, I would guess that, in one way or another, every seeker since time began has struggled with having to merge one’s life as a member of a family or other intimate group with one’s life as a seeker.
Thus, there are probably as many right answers to your inquiry as there are, as there have been, seekers. I hope that other members of Open Forum will share their own experiences with you. But for now, the following is what I suggest based on my experience.
In a word, make your family life your path. If you can do so, the conflict disappears. Your family life and your spiritual life become one and the same.
Easier said than done? Yes, of course. But then, what isn’t?
1) I suggest that you execute, on a sheet of paper, a formal agreement between you and God (or whatever term works for you). In a brief paragraph, explain your problem; to wit, that you are at once a determined seeker and a dedicated husband and father. Briefly (in one or two sentences), explain that these two roles or functions seem to you to be in conflict, and that the resolution of that conflict is the purpose of this agreement (no, make that Purpose of this Agreement).
2) Then, in a second short paragraph indicate what you expect from God (or whatever term); to wit, to permit you to pursue your spiritual commitment within the context of your family life, and to assist you and to guide you in that pursuit. That is, you expect God to develop a spiritual path for you that consists of your family life, and to make that path apparent to you. Thus, your spiritual practices will be what you are already doing as a husband and father, but their purpose will have been expanded and redefined to include not only the ordinary familial functions but also all your heretofore spiritual exercises and practices.
3) In a third brief paragraph (again, no more than a couple of sentences), specify what is expected of you by this Agreement; to wit, that you will dedicate yourself to your newly defined spiritual path with enthusiasm, discipline, joy, humility, consistency, and every expectation of success. You will continue to perform your functions as husband and father, but now it will be in the certain and happy confidence that, in doing so, you are fulfilling not only your familial duties and responsibilities, but also all of your spiritual duties and responsibilities. That is, you will do your part just as you expect God to do His (Hers).
4) Sign the document, and keep it in a secure place, just as you would any other important document. Be careful whom you share its contents with. This is an agreement between you and God. It is personal and private, not for public consumption, at least not for some long while. And then do your part.
This agreement should be short and simple. A single page, just a few paragraphs, no more than a dozen sentences. What matters here is not the content (you are not trying to impress God – or yourself – by your writing skills). What matters is (1) the fact that you are doing it and (2) the earnestness with which you do it.
If you undertake this process with sincerity, seriousness, and a genuine sense of purpose, even as if you were writing and executing a contract between multinational corporations or a treaty between nations, it will be real, God will respond, and it will work.
Here, I speak from personal experience. A very long time ago, Anna and I executed a similar contract with God, and it works.
You may find helpful some parts of our article on marriage as a path at TZF's Consider This and our definition of the word seeker.
Another way to approach your question, is to understand that basically, there is no difference between a “spiritual” life and a “mundane” life, if you recognize before venturing into either “life”, that all of life is spiritual, and all of mundane life is spirituality acting out through the mundane. If you keep this in mind, you will find that virtually everything you do in your life is spiritual, IF you “keep this in mind.”
The process of seeking thus no longer becomes a diversion or distraction from what one normally considers to be one’s “worldly or mundane life”, but instead one becomes fully immersed in one’s worldly life, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME remembering that everything is spiritual, even the most mundane. (This is called “karma yoga” in India, and “good works” in the west. Contrary to popular understanding, “good works” does not just include charity, but encompasses all activity, if done from a spiritual perspective.)
It is the “remembering” part that is vital. Thus, if you can remember to remember that God is in everything you do, see, think, and that is, including yourself, and just refer to that remembrance as frequently as you can, you will progressively find that you are not lost in the worldly mundane anymore, but are participating in God expressing himself through you and through your family.
Of course, in the beginning, we sometimes need “total immersion” times in order to begin to learn to remember – bring the mind into alignment with where it is supposed to be, was originally, until we were conditioned away from that position. Those are retreats, and you can arrange to have those from time to time, with your family’s cooperation. You don’t have to “go to a retreat”, but you can set up a weekend once in a while where you are permitted to stay home and spend time quietly, with your family’s cooperation. You can also have “mini retreats”, just as a reinforcement, throughout the week, and even on a daily basis – 5 minutes to remember who you are, and where you stand in relationship to God. In fact, you can do that in a shower every morning, or while making coffee – you see where I am going with this? Indeed, if you can remember throughout the day just to think of gratitude for being who you are, that is a very profound practice. If practiced easily and consistently, this will begin to permeate your life in all its facets, and you will no longer be a spiritual seeker, but a spiritual practitioner.
Of course, all of this said, one needs to set one’s priorities right from the start, and that often requires an adjustment of what we do with our time. This requires an acknowledgement from everyone in a family that the first priority is some amount of time devoted to quietness – even if it is only sitting looking out a window. We are so consumed now by all the daily “necessities”, that time is a premium, and the quiet time is left at the end of the line. We would all do our children a great service were we to reward and encourage idle down time – but that goes against all of the “type A” behavior on which our culture thrives. It requires that we take a stand against what our culture considers good, and do what our culture considers to be “lazy” – or worse, “non-productive.” Unfortunately, our culture has little understanding of and less tolerance for the great rewards and “produce” derived from quiet time, and introspection, and if you prefer spiritual overtones, just hanging out with God. But as a husband and parent, you are in the unique position of counter-acting that position by rewarding and making the opposite more appealing and fun. Yes, fun. Hanging out with God is enormously pleasurable.
The process of seeking thus no longer becomes a diversion or distraction from what one normally considers to be one’s “worldly or mundane life”, but instead one becomes fully immersed in one’s worldly life, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME remembering that everything is spiritual, even the most mundane. (This is called “karma yoga” in India, and “good works” in the west. Contrary to popular understanding, “good works” does not just include charity, but encompasses all activity, if done from a spiritual perspective.)
It is the “remembering” part that is vital. Thus, if you can remember to remember that God is in everything you do, see, think, and that is, including yourself, and just refer to that remembrance as frequently as you can, you will progressively find that you are not lost in the worldly mundane anymore, but are participating in God expressing himself through you and through your family.
Of course, in the beginning, we sometimes need “total immersion” times in order to begin to learn to remember – bring the mind into alignment with where it is supposed to be, was originally, until we were conditioned away from that position. Those are retreats, and you can arrange to have those from time to time, with your family’s cooperation. You don’t have to “go to a retreat”, but you can set up a weekend once in a while where you are permitted to stay home and spend time quietly, with your family’s cooperation. You can also have “mini retreats”, just as a reinforcement, throughout the week, and even on a daily basis – 5 minutes to remember who you are, and where you stand in relationship to God. In fact, you can do that in a shower every morning, or while making coffee – you see where I am going with this? Indeed, if you can remember throughout the day just to think of gratitude for being who you are, that is a very profound practice. If practiced easily and consistently, this will begin to permeate your life in all its facets, and you will no longer be a spiritual seeker, but a spiritual practitioner.
Of course, all of this said, one needs to set one’s priorities right from the start, and that often requires an adjustment of what we do with our time. This requires an acknowledgement from everyone in a family that the first priority is some amount of time devoted to quietness – even if it is only sitting looking out a window. We are so consumed now by all the daily “necessities”, that time is a premium, and the quiet time is left at the end of the line. We would all do our children a great service were we to reward and encourage idle down time – but that goes against all of the “type A” behavior on which our culture thrives. It requires that we take a stand against what our culture considers good, and do what our culture considers to be “lazy” – or worse, “non-productive.” Unfortunately, our culture has little understanding of and less tolerance for the great rewards and “produce” derived from quiet time, and introspection, and if you prefer spiritual overtones, just hanging out with God. But as a husband and parent, you are in the unique position of counter-acting that position by rewarding and making the opposite more appealing and fun. Yes, fun. Hanging out with God is enormously pleasurable.
Balance
I used to think that I was neglected by my parents, they left me to my own devices and didnt pay too much attention to my schooling etc for one reason or another, and I had an axe to grind about that for quite a while but now that I have matured I have a more appreciative view, instead of lecturing me or teaching me what they thought I should know I was allowed to find out for myself.
I remember having a short conversation with my dad when I was about 12 or 13. I told him a friend had stated 'there was no such thing as god' my dad asked me how old my friend was, I said '14' and all he said was 'hes too young to know'.
He didn't lecture me on all the things he thought he knew or tell me how I should live my life or insist I follow any religious attitude.
I recall an 'Anthony De Mello' conversation between a master and a disciple going something like this....
Master criticises the sending of children to church (pick any religion)
the disciple asks him why and the master responds
because if you innoculate them (against god) when they are young, they will not catch the bug when they are older
I have enjoyed my investigations and discoveries (in my own way and time) into the mysteries of life, religion, god, reality, time, love and so on and will continue to wonder at all that is and had I been told what to believe and why with no apparent choice, as is the case with so many religious people and their children then my life would be much less interesting and the sense of wonder I have may not have survived.
Zayus
I remember having a short conversation with my dad when I was about 12 or 13. I told him a friend had stated 'there was no such thing as god' my dad asked me how old my friend was, I said '14' and all he said was 'hes too young to know'.
He didn't lecture me on all the things he thought he knew or tell me how I should live my life or insist I follow any religious attitude.
I recall an 'Anthony De Mello' conversation between a master and a disciple going something like this....
Master criticises the sending of children to church (pick any religion)
the disciple asks him why and the master responds
because if you innoculate them (against god) when they are young, they will not catch the bug when they are older
I have enjoyed my investigations and discoveries (in my own way and time) into the mysteries of life, religion, god, reality, time, love and so on and will continue to wonder at all that is and had I been told what to believe and why with no apparent choice, as is the case with so many religious people and their children then my life would be much less interesting and the sense of wonder I have may not have survived.
Zayus