a commentary on the spiritual life
Off Balance
These are excerpts from two letters to TZF’s good friend, Elsa Joy Bailey, written in response to a question about balance and neck pain difficulties she was experiencing at the time.
First, from Stefan:
Oh, no, not an inner ear infection! Agghh! Quite a few years back, Nancy suffered an inner ear viral (not bacterial) infection. At first, the symptoms were so fierce (vertigo), she could hardly stand up. Needless to say, it scared her. And, while they diminished over time, the symptoms continued for years. It was not a happy period. Actually, she wrote a book about it. “Sun Days, Moon Days” is its title. I like it very much, but shortly after we printed it (in very limited numbers) she decided to put it back in a closet.
Anyway, as you might imagine, Nancy spent a lot of that time asking, as you are, “What would You have me learn from this?” In the end, at the risk of putting words in her mouth, I think she would say it was about surrender, or unconditional release of the common human desire (stronger in some than others but present in us all) to be in clear, strict, predictable control of our lives. Somewhere along the spiritual path, each of us has got to give that up, and eventually each of us will do so, either willingly or under duress. Happily, as awful as the struggle may be at the time, the rewards we gain from losing to God are numberless and wonderful!
Speaking of illness generally, my perspective is, first, attend to the physical symptoms. So long as we accept the body’s existence, we should treat it properly. However illusory the body may actually be, if it seems real to us, we must treat it as a manifestation of God, meaning with respect, love, and care. So, in these kinds of circumstances, I am inclined to figure out who would be the best practitioner (whether allopathic, homeopathic, naturapathic, chiropractic, etc. or a combination of those) to address the situation, and then take the body to them. “It seems to be broken. What have you got to fix it?”
Second, while that process is in train, we do well to remind ourselves that, there being in Truth no such thing as “a body,” there is obviously no such thing as “a sick body.” Therefore, the question becomes, what is going on inside my consciousness that is prompting me to manifest myself as a sick body? What am I trying to tell myself? If this were a movie, what would the point of it be?
One of the ways to answer that question is to consider the effects of the illness as a clue to their purpose. Thus, how is this illness altering my life? What am I unable to do now that I was doing before? Or, what am I having to do now that I was not doing before?
The answers to that inquiry will vary situation by situation, person by person, but surely they will be about such things as: Slowing down. Taking time off from work. Sleeping in once in a while. Eating more wisely. Playing less recklessly. Loving my loved ones more freely, openly, and generously. Being more understanding (humble) of others’ discomforts. Exploring the relationship between the physical and the spiritual. Praying more. Creating more quiet time. Facing fear head on. Considering death head on. Crying out loud to Mother. Asking these questions.
All of those are things which many illnesses force us to do. But all of them make a lot of sense. Who knows what the effects might be if we did them all anyway. You ask if we would send you a prayer. We are delighted to do so. Always.
Whatever you do, Elsa, don’t resist the illness. Resistance only weakens you and strengthens it. In other words, don’t think of the illness as an enemy to be defeated, but rather as an expression to be understood, something you are trying to tell yourself. Then, set out to find out what that something is, and once you have, the need for the expression will be gone. “Mother, if you want me to be sick (and nothing can interfere with Your Will), then I want to be sick. But, if it’s all the same to You, I’d like to get over it as quickly as possible. So, please, tell me what to do, what changes to make in my life, what to learn, whom to see, what to read, where to go, how to behave, and I promise to obey!” Cry if you can. Mother cannot resist our tears. Thank God.
And from Nancy:
Well, at least you can read, that’s encouraging. I understand the anxiety the wobbliness produces – in my case, I couldn’t walk for weeks without falling down, literally – so, at least it isn’t THAT bad! But the fear it produced in my own case was overwhelming – I don’t know if you are experiencing the same, but it is possible that the fear comes from the instability. By extension, you are feeling emotionally unstable because you feel physically unstable. Of course, the physical instability, by this theory, is an external manifestation of an internal event, an upheaval of energies that creates that instability. In other words, fear is part of the process.
I think, if they can find no physical cause for this in your own case, which of course an MRI will confirm for you, that it is possibly a kind of “kundalini” awakening. Indeed, even if they DO find a physical cause for it, that doesn’t discount the kundalini process. I have studied the process deeply, during and since my own encounter, and there are certain signs that accompany this process, one of them in particular being the feeling of drunkeness, full headedness, wobblyness, vertigo, ringing of the ears.
Accompanying all of this is usually seeing lights, blobs of colors, an overwhelming sense of fragility, intense headaches, weeping, a sense of expansion, usually felt in the head, and usually, electrical sensations throughout your body and often a sensation of heat, either localized or throughout the body – kind of like menopause. (I remember reading during my own event the book by Bernadette Roberts, can’t remember the title, a woman who had her own kundalini event and thought she was going nuts, and felt strange bodily sensations, including heat and energies, and attributed it to menopause.) However, each individual is unique, and some things happen to them, and some don’t. Doing the spiritual work you have done sort of puts you in the position of this kind of thing happening, if it hasn’t already happened. There are other signs as well, but these I’ve listed so far, are sort of universal.
There are a couple of books out by scientists that have studied this process that confirm the physiological expression of the process; one in particular called The Kundalini Experience by Lee Sannella was a godsend when I stumbled across it. I of course can only speak from my own personal experience and how I used the event. I initially struggled with the change that this instability brought me, as of course, we all naturally do. (I kept moaning about the fact that I couldn’t do what I “normally” did.) This was, of course, a profound lesson in itself for me at that time in my life. I found in my own case that the process turned a corner when I surrendered to the instability, the helplessness, and assumed that somehow, somewhere, this was “good” for me. Indeed, in retrospect, it was transformative. If it is kundalini, the movement of energy needs to be accepted and nourished, not resisted. The resistance in fact aggravates the process.
Usually, when huge changes are made in one’s life, particularly spiritually implicating ones, the vital energy shifts, and shows its signs on the body. It is entirely possible that you have shifted gears already, so to speak, and that there is a “blockage” (sinus related, perhaps?) where that energy has built up. This is how kundalini works; few people are fortunate enough for it to simply flow up and down without obstructions. As the spiritual process unfolds, the energy naturally grows, builds, speeds up, and, if the body isn’t ”keeping up” with that growth, there will be “stoppages”. This would be how I would see any kind of blockage in the head, in particular. Indeed, there was a period in my own case, when I finally started watching the phenomena, instead of running from it in terror, that I could literally feel the energy bounce up against my skull, and press out through the ears. (Of course my doctor said that was simply “the Virus” clogging up the ears. Well, both theories are right, of course. It just depends upon where you are standing.)
The anxiety it produced in my own case was severe. I ended up, through the grace of one doctor, taking a very common tranquilizer in very small doses, in fact so small that it didn’t really act as a tranquilizer, and so didn’t fuzz up my mind, but it did reduce the dizziness to a tolerable level. At that level, I could live with the moments of anxiety better. If anxiety is part of the process in your own case, generated by the wobbliness, you might consider this. Anxiety, incidentally, is part of the kundalini process as well. You can’t win!
Well, for the moment this ought to bring you some comfort? (well, maybe not!). I don’t know the full extent of your emotional reaction to this nor your dreams, or other symptoms to firmly suggest that this might be your situation. If you wish to share them with me, I can give you my own considerations about them. There are numerous other signs to confirm if this is kundalini.
Of course, if it isn’t, then you are home free, so to speak! They can zap you with antibiotics, and the whole thing is over and done with in due course, ideally shortly. Whatever the cause, and however it works its magic on you, as you know, you are in God’s hands, and everything is perfect, even if you don’t feel like it is, you know?
Disease is a strange beast; it brings us to our knees in desperation and humility, ideally to God; and yet it is ghastly and terrifying and causes enormous suffering until we do just that. But of course, without all of that, we would not come crawling on our knees to God, our source of all things, including ourselves. I still haven’t totally reconciled this terrible aspect of God, but someday I intend to understand it perfectly! I think there ought to be an easier way, but who am I to question these things?! Of course, if I wasn’t here to question it, there wouldn’t be the question, would there? Yup! So there you are!
You are in our prayers and our thoughts, Elsa – if I can give you more insights, please just tell me. I don’t want to burden you with too much, since this is enough to chew on at one time, I think. Keep us informed. Blessings, blessings and love.
